Positive and Negative cycles in Relationships: Assertive people tend to feel better about themselves because they are able to express themselves

Based on the research, we have discovered there is a positive cycle linking assertiveness and self-confidence and a negative cycle linking avoidance and perceived dominance. In the positive cycle, as a person uses more assertiveness, their level of self confidence tends to increase. As a person’s self confidence increases, their willingness and ability to be more assertive increases. In the negative cycle, when one person perceives their partner as dominating, a common reaction is for that person to avoid dealing with issues. As a person uses more avoidance, they will often perceive more dominance in their partner.

This series of posts discusses assertiveness and self-confidence, and avoidance and perceived partner dominance and aids in the understanding of each partner and how each partner’s characteristics are related to the underlying couple dynamics. These four interrelated areas together provide a comprehensive picture of each partner.

Assertiveness: Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings to their partner and the ability to ask for what they would like. Assertive communication involves the honest expression of one’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. Assertiveness is self focused and, therefore, is marked by the use of “I” and “me” statements rather than “you” statements.

Assertive people are able to ask for what they want without demanding it or infringing on the rights of others. Assertive people tend to feel better about themselves because they are able to express themselves.

One important goal in working with a couple is to try to help both people become more assertive with each other. Increasing assertiveness will positively affect the other three relationship dynamics (self-confidence, and avoidance and perceived partner dominance). If each person becomes more assertive, this will increase a person’s self confidence, reduce the partner’s dominance and reduce the tendency to use avoidance. When both partners are assertive with each other, this tends to increase the level of intimacy because they are able to share their honest feelings and ask for what they want and, thereby, increase the probability they will connect and understand one another’s needs.

Often a goal of marriage and relationship education aims to increase the assertiveness and active listening skills of one or both partners and aims to assist in the understanding of each partner and how each partner’s characteristics are related to the underlying couple dynamics.

The four Relationship Dynamic scales are very relevant to other categories within PREPARE/ENRICH. Individuals, for example, who are more assertive tend to like the personality of their partner (Partner Styles and Habits), feel good about their communication (Communication) and report satisfaction in their abilities to resolve conflict (Conflict Resolution). Conversely, those who are high on avoidance tend to dislike the personality of their partner, dislike their communication, and report dissatisfaction in their abilities to resolve conflict.

As partners in a relationship improve their assertiveness and active listening skills, their self-confidence will increase. This is the positive cycle of more assertiveness increasing self confidence. Increasing assertiveness also tends to decrease avoidance and partner dominance, which is a common negative cycle in couples.

#PREPARE/ENRICH is a customised online assessment tool that identifies each couples unique strength and growth areas. Based on their assessment results, a facilitator provides feedback sessions, helping couples to discuss and understand their results while teaching them proven relationship skills.

For more information on PREPARE/ENRICH or to simply set up a couple on the tool, please contact: or call today (02) 9520 4049 #prepareenrich

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