• RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
  
• WORKING WITH RE-MARRYING COUPLES
• IMPACT OF FAMILIES OF ORIGIN

Please note that the PREPARE-ENRICH Processing Centre will close on Friday 19th December 2008 and reopen on Monday 5th January 2009. 

RELATIONAL AGGRESSION

Sadly, some romantic relationships involve regular aggressive episodes and premarital couples are no exception to this possibility.  Indeed, some premarital couples' idealism and preoccupation with marriage plans may mask concerns about aggression. Many couples in this situation simply think that things will improve after they are married.

Premarital educators need to be vigilant about relational aggression in particular. It is distinct from verbal (eg. insults) and physical aggression (eg. hitting) that targets an individual and produces harm to that person. Relational aggression actually impacts on and primarily damages the relationship. Examples include actions designed to arouse jealousy (eg. flirting with others), using passive aggression when angry (eg. silent treatment) and threatening to break up to gain compliance. Relational aggression is sometimes far more subtle and hard to detect relative to verbal and physical aggression that initially targets and damages an individual.

A study of young adults' romantic relationships has revealed some interesting trends that may help us to understand why some individuals might be more prone to use relational aggression (Linder, Crick & Collins, 2002).  The researchers found that, regardless of gender, those that employed relational aggression were:

• Low on being able to trust

• High on being frustrated, jealous and clingy

The authors commented that individuals who use relational aggression in their relationships have a desire for high levels of closeness and exclusivity in their relationships. They perhaps cope with these feelings by using relational aggression in an attempt to control their partner and bring them closer.

Another finding was that, regardless of gender, those who were victims of relational aggression were:

• High on self-reliance

• Low in relationship security and sense of relationship quality

The authors suggested that victims of relational aggression are less likely to turn to their partner in times of need, and instead deal with their needs on their own. Additionally, individuals who are victimized by their romantic partners are less secure in these relationships and therefore are more likely to express low levels of trust and higher levels of qualities such as jealousy. This comment points to a profound paradox: The user of relational aggression lacks a strong sense of trust in their partner and needs more closeness with that partner, but their actions actually create lack of trust in the partner and the aggression repels them to the very opposite of what the user is seeking.

These results suggest a pattern that is worth identifying when it presents in any of our premarital couples. Look especially at the responses within the Communication and Conflict Resolution categories and be prepared to encourage couples to go beyond the specific questions and their answers, to open up and to share their underlying concerns and issues.

For example, within the Communication category, question 18 is relevant to refusal to talk (the silent treatment) and the idea that a problem such as this will simply fade after marriage can be discussed when responses to question 132 in the Marriage Expectations category are explored. This kind of discussion may lead into a broader discussion of concerns and issues that involve aspects of relational aggression.  In turn that exploration may lead to an awareness of the futility and damage associated with relational aggression and the need to find better ways of understanding, managing and meeting one another's relational needs.

Reference:

Linder, J., Crick, N., & Collins, W. (2002). Relational aggression and victimization in young adults' romantic relationships: Associations with perception of parent, peer and romantic relationship quality. Social Development, 11, 69-86.

WORKING WITH RE-MARRYING COUPLES

A recent review of the research literature from 1980 to the present on the premarital predictors of re-marrying couples' relationship satisfaction and quality (Falk & Larson, 2007) concluded that the major factors predicting lower re-marriage quality include:

• the roles of stepchildren

• stepfamily complexity

• emotional attachment to an ex-spouse

• serial marriage (a history of re-marriage)

• economic strain

Predictors related to higher quality of a re-marriage include:

• couple consensus on important topics

• social support from family and friends

• financial stability

On the sensitive issue of emotional attachment to an ex-spouse the authors offer some comments that should be helpful to Administrators working with Prepare-MC:

"Negative feelings toward the ex-spouse may indicate insecurity, a lack of acceptance of the partner's first family (which may potentially cause problems with stepchildren), or a perception of a lingering attachment of one's current partner to the ex-spouse...Couples may need to process ways to demonstrate that the current relationship is more important and has a higher priority than previous relationships, and that both partners are committed to making the present relationship last."

The following comment provides helpful advice for any referral process:

"Although some psychological attachment to an ex-spouse is probably normal in most remarriages, exaggerated attachment to an ex-spouse appears to decrease remarriage success. When a spouse still feels excessively attached to an ex-spouse individual therapy may be necessary first to assess and treat unresolved feelings of loss or attachment to a former spouse. Some personal issues from the first marriage (e.g., continued loving feelings for the former spouse, missing the sexual relationship) may harm the new couple relationship if addressed in couple therapy first. Couple therapy may prove more beneficial after personal issues of loss or attachment are resolved first in individual therapy. Couples should be discouraged from remarrying until strong feelings of attachment to a former spouse are first resolved."

Reference:

Falk, S.I., & and Larson, J.H. (2007). Premarital Predictors of Remarital Quality: Implications for Clinicians. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 29, 9-23.

IMPACT OF FAMILIES OF ORIGIN

Each one of the Prepare-Enrich questionnaires provides an opportunity to work with couplesí perceptions of their families of origin.  In particular, it is worth exploring the possible impact of extreme, or unbalanced, family structures on how couples are likely to approach their own relationship.

A series of studies conducted in recent years at the University of Sydney have identified some key matters of concern. These studies have been conducted by postgraduate students in the School of Psychology under the supervision of Alan Craddock, a Senior Lecturer in that School and also the National Coordinator of Prepare-Enrich Australia. All of these studies used measures of family structure that were very closely related to the family of origin questions used in the Prepare-Enrich inventories.

The form of extreme family structure focused on in these studies involves enmeshment or extreme closeness. Highly enmeshed families may be typified by an extreme form of cohesiveness that undermines the development of personal autonomy and which results in a form of family bonding that represents an over-identification with the family.

There are two varieties of enmeshed families that occur quite frequently: Rigidly enmeshed and chaotically enmeshed.  Rigidly enmeshed families are excessively close and also have very highly structured rules, roles and routines.  In contrast, chaotically enmeshed families, whilst also being excessively close, lack structure and tend to be random, unstable and chaotic.

The University of Sydney studies revealed three areas of personal adjustment that are strongly associated with rigidly enmeshed types of family of origin. These are all areas that may represent important vulnerabilities for couples we are working with, and therefore are worth noting.

(1) Relationship Attachment

In 1999, Natalie Nasr, Leah MacFadyen, Clint Marlborough, Rina Sarkis and Susan Scanlon examined the effect of childhood experiences of family of origin on adult relationship attachment among young Australian adults. One important and relevant feature of their findings was that rigid-enmeshment was a significant predictor of discomfort in adult relationships.

(2) Feelings of Shame and Sense of Parentification

In 2003, Margaret Walker studied the effect of childhood experiences of family of origin on young Australian adults' reports of feeling a sense of personal shame and of being pressured to adopt parent-like roles in their childhood (parentification). She found that rigid-enmeshment, as a feature of family of origin, was a significant predictor of strong feelings of shame and a strong sense of being parentified during childhood.

(3) Perfectionism

In 2006, Wendy Church and Alexandra Sands investigated the relationship between features of family of origin and young Australian adults' tendencies towards being perfectionistic. They found that family enmeshment and rigid, authoritarian forms of parenting were significant predictors of both functional (healthy) and dysfunctional (unhealthy) forms of perfectionism.

In summary, all of these studies support the view that, although family closeness and structure are generally regarded as positive in their effects, too much closeness (enmeshment) combined with too much structure (rigidity) may be damaging.  The damage identified in these studies may be apparent in couples taking any one of the Prepare-Enrich inventories.

In particular, individuals who have grown up in extremely rigid and enmeshed families of origin may find it difficult to be comfortable in their own adult relationships and may be carrying a burden of emotional baggage with them that involves some or all of these components: A sense of shame, a strong pressure to perform perfectly and to inappropriately take on adult parent-like roles. This baggage appears to originate family of origin pressures that are associated with over-controlling and suffocating closeness. Administrators should be alert to these possibilities without assuming that the patterns fit all individuals who have grown up in rigid and enmeshed families.

CONFLICTED COUPLES - AN AUSTRALIAN RESOURCE STUDY

As shown in the previous article, there can be little doubt that the experience of family of origin is an important area for investigation among couples taking PREPARE. A booklet by Dr Alan Craddock (National Coordinator of PREPARE-ENRICH Australia and Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology, The University of Sydney) has been written solely for PREPARE-ENRICH Administrators.  This booklet is entitled Origins: Family Experiences of premarital Couples and has three main aims:

1. To identify the different types of premarital couples in a large national sample of Australian couples participating in the PREPARE program. In particular, the aim is to identify and explore the main differences between highly satisfied (vitalised) and more troubled (conflicted) premarital couples.

2. To examine the differences in family background of vitalised versus conflicted premarital couples in the National sample. Of major interest is any link between negative experiences within family of origin in the past (separateness, rigidity and exposure to abuse) and present difficulties in couple relationship.

3. To explore the practical implications of these findings, particularly when working with conflicted premarital couples. General strategies for working with conflicted couples are also described.

The study represents the drawing together of trends and patterns identified in the data from over 500 Australian PREPARE couples, with a view to identifying areas for work with conflicted premarital couples.These areas for work are not based on biased speculation but are identified by means of careful investigation of the research data.

The cost is only $12 and this includes postage and GST.

To order this booklet call (02) 9545 4566 or email us at info@prepare-enrich.com.au

ENCOURAGING NEW ADMINISTRATORS 

Please let your colleagues know about PREPARE-ENRICH and tell them about our website (www.prepare-enrich.com.au). On that site they can read information about all the PREPARE materials and resources. By clicking on the training link on the Administrators' homepage, they can locate a workshop or find contact details for a Trainer in their area. 
 

PLEASE MAKE USE OF OUR HINTS ON THE WEB  

We are strongly committed to helping you to work as competently as possible with the PREPARE-ENRICH materials. At the beginning of each month we place a brief (usually one page) article focusing on a matter or theme that is likely to be helpful to PREPARE-ENRICH administrators.  Sometimes this is a brief summary of relevant research, sometimes a practical suggestion, and sometimes a way of thinking about couples' issues.  It is good to get into the habit of reading these monthly hints.  The current hint, and an archive of all the hints posted in previous months, can be accessed from the Administrators' main page. Any updated news items are also included. 
 
Editor: Dr. Alan Craddock, National Coordinator of Prepare-Enrich (Australia).