• RESTORING RELATIONSHIP: THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF APOLOGY
• LAY COUPLES AS ADMINISTRATORS - WHO SHOULD TRAIN?
• INTEGRATING PROGRAMS

Please note that the PREPARE-ENRICH Processing Centre will close on Wednesday 19th December 2007 and reopen on Monday 7th January 2008. 

FAREWELL

It is with much regret that we farewell David Lowry as the PREPARE-ENRICH trainer in Toowoomba and the Gold Coast. David was one of the first PREPARE administrators in Queensland having trained in the early 1980s.  He started as a Prepare Trainer in 1986
assisting the late John Robson with Toowoomba training and from 2000 has been our Queensland country trainer. David and his wife Wendy are looking forward to a "quieter life" of
semi-retirement but David will still be available to run Prepare training days on the Sunshine coast.
We  wish you well David and please accept our thanks for a job well done.

WELCOME TO NEW TRAINERS

TOOWOOMBA

We welcome The Ven. Gary Harch as our new trainer in Toowoomba.  Gary trained in Prepare & Enrich in 1999 and has used the Prepare and Enrich tool with many couples since that date.  Gary brings a wealth of experience in Prepare and Enrich to this training role. Gary is married with 2 adult children and 1 grandchild. As well as his role as an Anglican minister he is a member of the Board concerned with environmental issues in his area. Gary  will be assisting David Lowry in PREPARE & ENRICH training days in Toowoomba in the new year.  Please check the website for dates.

ALBURY/WODONGA REGION

We welcome as a new trainer in this region the Rev. Bruce Gorton.  Bruce is a Presbyterian minister, married to Jan with 3 children and 3 grandchildren. He has been a PREPARE-ENRICH administrator for over 20 years and brings a wealth of experience to his role as a trainer.  These are Bruce's words about Prepare - "it is the best premarriage material one can use to encourage couples to work on issues that may affect their future and I use this tool for all couples who are married by me".  Thanks Bruce for the encouragement! Bruce will be running training days in the Albury/Wodonga region - Wagga Wagga region and north-east Victoria.  Please contact him on email: bruceg@tpg.com.au or phone (02) 6025 1836 for information or check our website for dates.

RESTORING RELATIONSHIP: THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF APOLOGY 

By: John L Wheeler 

Dr Gary Chapman’s well-known book, “The Five Love Languages” was published in 1992. Since then, he and his entrepreneurial publishers have squeezed another five books out of the concept of ‘love languages’ – the now well established idea that we each have a preferred channel for love to be expressed to us. From its title, this book appears to be yet one more attempt to exploit the marketable ‘five languages’ theme. It is not. It arose from research by the junior author into the different ways that people apologise and her finding that what one person considers a sincere apology is often not what another person considers sincere or adequate. 

From subsequent work the authors have distilled five fundamental aspects of apology. 

Their research has confirmed the importance of using the ‘language’ or sometimes the ‘languages’ of the person you have offended if you really want to heal the relationship. This book offers practical guidance in learning how to apologise effectively. It’s a skill with the potential to wonderfully enhance the emotional climate of a marriage, bring healing into troubled families and overcome many fallings out and tensions in the workplace. The five languages, abstracted, with comment, from the book are: 

1. Expressing Regret “I’m sorry”.  

This is a very common form of apology and often works but it does need to convey an authentic message. If we are in the offended person’s presence, our tone of voice and body language need to match our words; we need to turn to the person and establish eye contact. For some people, a written note conveys genuineness more effectively than spoken words. As with compliments, the more specific we are about the offence, the better. It is often helpful to flesh out the apology with details of how your offence may have affected the person and especially to acknowledge the emotion it has generated for them, such as disappointment, frustration or anger. Learn to avoid negating the apology in any way. So don’t follow on instantly the regret you have just expressed with a “but …” of attempted justification. 

2.  Accepting Responsibility “Í was wrong”. 

Admitting fault, accepting responsibility, may be all that is needed to restore the relationship. However, it is very hard for some of us to admit being in the wrong. This may be because for some individuals, admitting to wrongdoing is tied to their sense of self-worth; to admit not having done the right thing is perceived by them as weakness. People who, perhaps from childhood, have grown into a situation where admitting wrong is perceived by them as being ‘bad’, will need to rationalise their own ‘bad’ behaviour. This often takes the form of blaming others rather than admit they have done wrong. Blaming cripples relationships. It discourages healing and puts up further walls. 

3. Making Restitution “What can I do to make it right?”  

One psychologist calls the act of making amends, ‘equalising’. “To offer restitution is to equalise the balance of justice” (Everett Worthington Jr). In our society the desire for an offender to make amends is often very strong and the courts are full of people seeking reparative damages. In relationships, our desire for restitution is almost always based upon our need for love: After being hurt we need the reassurance that the person who hurt us still loves us. Not surprisingly, Gary Chapman demonstrates that the offender needs to use the offended person’s specific love language in order to restore the relationship. 

4. Genuinely Repenting “I’ll try not to do that again”.  

For some people, ‘saying sorry’ is not what they want, they need a convincing reassurance that the offender will not repeat the wrong. They are looking for a behavioural ‘U turn’ on the part of the offender. Changing behaviour, especially if it is well entrenched, is not easy. Three steps are suggested. Firstly, the offender should offer a verbal or written assurance that they will do their best to avoid re-offending. (The behaviour that upsets our partner, such as chronic and inappropriate joke cracking, may not be morally wrong but it is well worth learning to modify or stop, in the interests of living with a happy spouse). Secondly one needs to develop a concrete plan for implementing the desired change. Invite your partner to help with the plan. Big changes may need to be taken in steps. Finally, of course one needs to get in the habit of putting the change into effect. 

5. Requesting Forgiveness “Will you please forgive me?”  

When asked in the authors’ research, “What do you expect in an apology?”, 21% of respondents said, “I expect him or her to ask for my forgiveness”. Asking forgiveness shows three things: that you want to see the relationship fully restored; that you realise you have done something wrong, whether intentional or unintentional; and that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person. Because the latter aspect takes control out of the hands of the offender it is extremely difficult for some individuals to do. They would rather, metaphorically or literally, ‘sleep on the couch’ than risk losing control. 

Forgiveness is a gift – the gift of letting the person back into our life and lifting the penalty. But gifts cannot be demanded, only requested. Granting forgiveness may be costly for the offended person who thereby gives up their desire for justice, relinquishes their hurt and anger, their humiliation perhaps, lets go their sense of rejection and betrayal and maybe is left with living with the consequences of your wrong behaviour. If the offence is major and was repeated, the process of forgiveness may take a long time. 

These are only brief summaries of what the authors have to say on each of the apology languages and the chapters on them include numerous anecdotes, case studies and sentences to illustrate the language. Chapters follow on topics such as apologising in the family and the workplace, teaching children to apologise well, apologies when dating and the important task of learning how to apologise to one’s self. 

To help readers determine their priority language of apology the authors have compiled an ‘apology profile’ of twenty scenarios that, hopefully, will reveal one’s preferred language. It is noted though that people may be bi- or even tri-lingual. The book concludes with a series of study guides to facilitate group discussion. Given that the concepts of contrition, repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation are essential attributes of a Christian lifestyle the book would be an excellent resource for church study groups although the study guides would need expansion. 

“The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of the other person and being willing to speak it”. Use these notes as a start but I warmly recommend you to buy the book, absorb it and make a real difference to all your relationships. 

Reference: Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas (2006).  The Five Languages of Apology. Northfield: Chicago  $17. 
 
LAY COUPLES AS ADMINISTRATORS - WHO SHOULD TRAIN? 

On occasions Pastors, Ministers and Priests wish to use lay couples to assist them in their marriage preparation programs.  We are prepared to train such couples but they need to be selected and nominated with care.  Just because they are church members and have participated in a Prepare program as part of their own preparation for marriage is not a sufficient qualification. It is important to consider their knowledge and skills. 

The Marriage and Relationship Educators Association of Australia has developed a Users’ Guide for Relationship Educators.  One section of this guide is tailor-made for Educators who work with inventories such as the Prepare-Enrich range of resources.  Below is a summary list of the main areas of knowledge and competency detailed in the Users’ Guide.  These are listed below so that you may reflect on them and aim to look for these competencies when selecting and nominating lay couples and individuals for training as Prepare-Enrich Administrators. 

To work effectively with inventories one needs to have: 

Knowledge of... 

• the content areas relevant to all topics and categories in the inventory 
• teaching resources and strategies appropriate to individual styles and characteristics of adult learners in the context of using inventories
• couple dynamics (e.g.. conflict processes)
• the nature of domestic violence 
• the key indicators, nature and impact of personal issues (e.g.. alcoholism) 
• legal obligations relating to violence and child protection (see the August 2007 Hint on our website for help with this - use the past hints archive link) 
• means of making appropriate referrals 
• agency/organisation standards and procedures 
• self and the impact of personal experiences, biases, values and beliefs
• the limitations and boundaries of the educator role 

• deal with conflict and inappropriate behaviour and attitudes 
• utilise a range of interpersonal skills 
• work in a non-judgemental, empathetic and culturally sensitive manner . 
• maintain confidentiality 
• empower and support clients who are experiencing difficulties
• show sensitivity to and work with a wide range of cultural groups and people with special needs 
• communicate and relate to a wide range of people at various stages of family and life cycle     development and from a variety of social and cultural contexts 
• manage time and resources effectively and efficiently to meet the needs of the clients and the  goals/outcomes related to the use of the inventory
• reflect and make appropriate changes to the approach in order to meet the needs of clients and the goals/outcomes related to the use of the inventory 

Many organisations and churches using Prepare have developed programs that integrate the Prepare inventory and feedback process with a variety of communication skills programs of their own devising. The question is sometimes raised as to whether this kind of integration works or whether one component might detract from the other. The article below has tested an integrated program and the results show that both components are an effective combination. 

Integrating PREPARE/ENRICH & Couple Communication Programs:  
A Longitudinal Follow-Up Study (2007)  

David H. Olson & Sherod Miller 

Abstract: 
This longitudinal study followed up on 25 married couples one to five years after 
marriage who had taken both the PREPARE/ENRICH and the Couple Communication programs before marriage. Overall, the results demonstrated the couples were very satisfied with both programs and also found the combination of two programs as valuable. At the follow-up, the couples reported they used the communication skills they had learned. The research scales demonstrated the couples significantly improved their communication, conflict resolution skills and marital satisfaction. Couples reported they found it helpful to their marriage to coach other couples on communication skills. 

Introduction: 
Previous research has been done that describes the impact of the PREPARE Program 
(Knutson and Olson, 2003) and the Couple Communication Program (Miller and Sherrard, 1999) on improving a couples relationship. This study assessed the impact of combining the two programs for premarital couples as they prepare for marriage. This study builds on the growing evidence that premarital programs like these two are a good investment in helping get marriages off to a great start. In a major review and meta-analysis of studies on premarital programs, Carroll and Doherty (2003) found the mean effect size of premarital programs was .80, which means the couples in these programs improved about 30% in communication, conflict resolution and couple satisfaction after participating in a premarital program. Stanley and colleagues (2006) also reported that premarital education programs reduced the likelihood of divorce by 30% in a major survey of over 3,300 adults. Premarital program participation was associated with higher couple satisfaction, lower levels of destructive conflict and higher commitment to marriage. 

The current study was designed to assess the impact of having premarital couples take 
both the PREPARE and Couple Communication Programs before marriage. Then, a follow-up study was done one to five years after the couples were married. 

Methods: 

Sample: 
This longitudinal study followed 25 couples who had taken both the PREPARE/ENRICH 
Program and the Couple Communication program before marriage. Five couples were followed up after 5 years, five couples after 2 years and 15 couples after one year. Four couples had coached another couple in Couple Communication and four couples coached several (2-4) couples. 

Research Scales and Survey:  
The follow-up survey included a brief questionnaire that asked couples about their 
satisfaction with both the PREPARE Program and the Couple Communication Program. Couples were asked about how much they currently used the communication and conflict resolution skills they learned. They also completed three ENRICH scales including communication, conflict resolution and marital satisfaction. These were designed to assess the current levels and compare them with the same scales when couples first took the program. 

Results: 

Satisfaction with PREPARE/ENRICH Program 

In terms of taking PREPARE/ENRICH, almost half of the couples (45%) had 2-4 hours 
of feedback, nearly one-third (30%) had 5-8 hours, and one-quarter (25%) had only one hour of feedback on PREPARE/ENRICH. The majority of couples rated the PREPARE/ENRICH Inventory as “very useful” (56%), while 27% rated it as “generally useful” and 17% said it was “somewhat useful.” 

Regarding couple feedback, over half of the couples (52%) found the feedback “very 
useful”, 30% said it was “generally helpful” and 18% said it was “somewhat helpful.” In general, the more hours of feedback the more useful the couples reported the feedback. 
The couples also evaluated the PREPARE Building a Strong Marriage (BSM) workbook and the six couple exercises: (1) identifying couple strengths and growth areas; (2) communication skills; (3) conflict resolution; (4) financial management; (5) couple system and family of origin; (6) personal, couple and family goals. The couples found the booklet was “somewhat useful” (40%), “generally useful” (32%), and “very useful” (28%). 

Satisfaction with the Couple Communication Program 

For the Couple Communication Program (CCP), which typically was four 2 hour sessions (8 hours of teaching), all the couples took the program once and 4 couples also took Couple Communication II. One quarter (25%) of the couples served as a coach for another couple on the CCP. Over three quarters (75%) of the couples rated the CC program as “very useful” and about one-quarter (25%) found it was “generally useful.” Almost half (46%) of the couples said they “sometimes” used the communication skills they were taught, 40% said “often” and 14% said “very often.” 

Pre-Test and Follow-Up Results  

Three scales used in both the pre-test and the follow-up evaluation assessed the following 
areas: couple communication, conflict resolution and couple satisfaction. All three of these scales are reliable and valid and are from the ENRICH couple inventory. Significant improvement occurred in couple communication and conflict resolution for both males and females. While the marital satisfaction scores for both the males and females increased, the improvement was significant only for the females. It should be noted that the male scores were higher to begin with and improved to the same level as the female scores. Overall, the combined program was very successful in increasing the two major relationship skills (communication and conflict resolution) that were taught in the program. 

The value of the combined  PREPARE/ENRICH and Couple Communication programs was rated very highly by the couples with the majority (58%) reporting the combination “very valuable”, while 34% said it was “generally valuable” and only 8% rated the two programs as “somewhat valuable.” 

Strengths and Limitations of Study:  

This is a unique study in that it assessed the value of combining two couple programs for 
premarital couples. Another value of the study was that it was a longitudinal follow-up study of couples 1-5 years after they completed the programs. A limitation of the study is that it did not compare the results with a matched control group that had no premarital preparation. The sample also was based on premarital couples that chose to get married in a church setting. The sample was also primarily Caucasian and middle class. 

References:  

Carroll, J.S. and Doherty, W.J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52, 105-118. 

Knutson, L. & Olson, D.H. (2003). Effectiveness of PREPARE Program with premarital 
couples in a community setting. Marriage & Family, 6, 4, 529-546. 

Miller, S. & Sherrard, P. (1999). Couple communication. In R. Berger and M.T. Hannah (Eds.) Preventive approaches in couple therapy. (pp. 125-148) Philadelphia: Brunner/Mazel. 

Stanley, S.M., Amato, P.R., Johnson, C.A., Markman, H.J. (2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 1, 117-126. 
 

ENCOURAGING NEW ADMINISTRATORS 

Please let your colleagues know about PREPARE-ENRICH and tell them about our website (www.prepare-enrich.com.au). On that site they can read information about all the PREPARE materials and resources. By clicking on the training link on the Administrators' homepage, they can locate a workshop or find contact details for a Trainer in their area. 
 

PLEASE MAKE USE OF OUR HINTS ON THE WEB  

We are strongly committed to helping you to work as competently as possible with the PREPARE-ENRICH materials. At the beginning of each month we place a brief (usually one page) article focusing on a matter or theme that is likely to be helpful to PREPARE-ENRICH administrators.  Sometimes this is a brief summary of relevant research, sometimes a practical suggestion, and sometimes a way of thinking about couples' issues.  It is good to get into the habit of reading these monthly hints.  The current hint, and an archive of all the hints posted in previous months, can be accessed from the Administrators' main page. Any updated news items are also included. 
 
Editor: Dr. Alan Craddock, National Coordinator of Prepare-Enrich (Australia).