Divorce and children – An issue for work with Prepare-MC 
Elements of Growth 
Using Couple Reports with the Growing Together Program

Please note that the last processing day will be Wednesday 14th December 2005 and the office will re-open on January 3rd 2006. 

PLEASE MAKE REGULAR USE OF OUR HINTS ON THE WEB  

At the beginning of each month we place a brief (usually one page) article on our website focusing on a matter or theme that is likely to be helpful to PREPARE-ENRICH administrators.  Sometimes this is a brief summary of relevant research, sometimes a practical suggestion, and sometimes a way of thinking about couples' issues.  It is good to get into the habit of reading these monthly hints.  The current hint, and an archive of all the hints posted in previous months, can be accessed from the Administrators' main page. News item updates are also included. 

DIVORCE AND CHILDREN – AN ISSUE FOR WORK WITH PREPARE-MC 

A recent Australian study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry (Eda Ruschena, Margot Prior, Ann Sanson & Diana Smart, A longitudinal study of adolescent adjustment following family transitions, 2004, vol 46, page 353) indicates that Australian children of divorced or separated parents are generally as well-adjusted, well-behaved and academically proficient at age 18 as those from intact families. 

The study investigated over 2,000 children from infancy to age 17 or 18 assessing their development, behaviour, personality and educational attainment at regular intervals. Those children in the sample who experienced parental separation or death were compared with a group from intact families. The implication is that children can recover from and deal with parental separation.  There are some indications, however, that relationship difficulty with parents may be experienced during their teens. 

In an interview published in the Sydney Morning Herald (Adele Horin, March 26, 2005) the authors were quoted as saying: 

…that the finding suggested particular Australian factors, such as legally enforced child maintenance, might mitigate the hardship of family breakdown. "Australia is a lucky country and most families are doing OK," (Professor Margot Prior). 

…that parents should try hard to stay together, and get help if their marriage was in trouble. "But there is overwhelming evidence that what damages children is not the break-up but conflict. If parents behave well, remain co-operative and keep children's welfare to the forefront, generally children do well. Those who don't do well often had problems that pre-existed the break-up." (Professor Margot Prior) 

…that the children who took part in discussion groups were dismissive of suggestions that divorce had detrimentally affected their schoolwork and that those children "turned out just as well", and "divorce was not the single defining moment of their lives". (The principal author, Eda Ruschena). 

Couples contemplating marriage in which one or both partners have been divorced may have the view that their children from these past relationships cannot help but be severely damaged by their experience.  The research suggests this is not inevitable. 

The main focus for remarrying couples needs to be on the new relationship. The following extract from Social Context of Marriage and Family in Australia in the Mid to Late 90s by Dennis Ladbrook (PREPARE-ENRICH, 1995) is relevant to this issue: 

While one in three marriages ends in divorce, one in two remarriages is terminated in this way. Why is there such a high rate of break-up among remarriages?  

Three reasons why second and subsequent marriages are intrinsically more difficult than first marriages are:  
 
• The impact of the first marriage on marital process.
• The partners may not have healed the wounds sustained during marital conflict or the separation process, and there may be a lot of unfinished business brought into the new marriage. This is likely to clutter it up until it is dealt with. 
• Furthermore remarriages are more likely to be contracted out of urgent needs than first marriages. The anomie that results from losing the meaning systems of the first marriage sometimes communicates an awesome sense of urgency to re-establish familiar connections. This hastiness is often a poor foundation for continuity. 
The more permissive attitude to divorce has led to newish patterns of co-parenting and step-parenting. These are complex arrangements that require a fairly high degree of organisational skill and a lot of negotiated bargaining by those entering new relationships. 

This is an edited repeat of a valuable brief article by the late John Robson, one of the founders of Prepare-Enrich Australia (Prepare Diary, February 1999). We include this for the benefit of those who have trained since then. 

David Mace, the doyen of clinical work in the relationship area and the strategist of programs in the relationship enrichment area claimed that in the area of either personal or relationship growth there were three essential elements or laws: 

1- Growth by development 
2- Growth by assimilation 
3- Growth by adaption 

ASSIMILATION: Mace suggested assimilation was growth from without; what you "pick up" from your interaction with your environment. Drawing on the stimulating, energising elements in a person-and-relationship-friendly-environment facilitates the process of growth. A seed is nourished by the nature of the soil or environment in which it spreads its roots. So the individual is nourished as he/she draws from the human environment the essential elements required to enhance growth in the physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual dimensions of being. "Human interaction is the name of the game." The elements at times may be nourishing and growth promoting, or at other times growth inhibiting or even toxic to the individual's personal and relationship well being. 

ADAPTION: represents growth between; growth through the above process of interaction. Various life types often modify the nature and pattern of their responses and their way of life to fit in with or change the environment. In addition, human beings as individuals, or collectively as society, can create the sort of environment most favourable to their survival needs and growth, and thus maximise the process of growth. In the multi-faceted dimensions of life we interact with the various forces in our world and by means of the nature of that interaction, our responses (or resistances) are developed and patterned. We are challenged to find our way around or through and continue the process of growth, and relationships are God's great change agents in the ongoing journey. 

USING COUPLE REPORTS WITH THE GROWING TOGETHER PROGRAM 

When you are using Couple Reports in group activities it is important to note that the questions that the couple have completed do not appear with the exact wording of the questions (as it does with the category item listings in the fuller Counsellor Report).  The reason for this is that the question wording is for an individual to respond to (eg. Item 20: I am unhappy with some of my partner’s personality characteristics or personal habits). In the Couple Report the wording is changed to reflect a positive couple statement (eg. We really like each other’s personality) to which the couple’s actual pattern of responses can be compared.. 

The couple’s individual responses are not shown on a Couple Report (as they are on the fuller Counsellor Report).  What is shown is the specific pattern of their responses as a couple in comparison to the listed general positive statement: 

 Agreement  (both agree with the positive statement) 

 Indecision  (one or both of them are uncertain) 

 Disagreement  (one agrees the other disagrees) 

 Special Focus (they both disagree with the positive statement) 

Couple Report format  

Agreement Indecision Disagreement Special Focus  
                                                                              S                    We really like each other’s personality.  
                                                    D                                             We really enjoy spending leisure time together.  

This means that the partners both have problems with one another’s personality (since they both disagree with the positive statement as shown here) and one of them is happy with leisure time but not their partner.  The wording of the statement is not what the couple actually believe unless they both happen to have a positive agreement pattern of responses to the original question in the question booklet. 

Counsellor Report format (same couple)  

Agreement Indecision Disagreement Special Focus  M  F  
                                                                             S             4    4  (-) 20. I am unhappy with some of my partner’s  
                                                                                                            personality characteristics and personal habits.  
                                                  D                                        2   4  (+) 76. I am happy with how we manage our  
                                                                                                         leisure activities and the time we spend together.  

This means that the partners both have problems with one another’s personality (since they both agreed with the negatively worded question as it appeared in the question booklet and as shown here) and one of them is happy with leisure time but not their partner.  
  
TRAINING MATTERS 

We welcome Bob Warrick as a new Trainer in our team in Queensland.  Bob is a long-serving Uniting Church minister and has been using PREPARE since 1987. 
 
For a current list of Training Days throughout Australia go to:  

www.prepare-enrich.com.au/administrators/trainingdays.html

www.prepare-enrich.com.au/administrators/skillsdays.html

The National Conference of Marriage and Relationship Educators will be held in Sydney on 22-25 September, 2005. The theme for the conference is  "the dance of relationships" - committing to steps and moving along with a partner. For details consult the MAREAA website (www.mareaa.asn.au). 

TELL A COLLEAGUE ABOUT PREPARE 

Do you know anyone among your colleagues who might be interested in becoming a PREPARE-ENRICH Administrator? Over the years we have grown mainly by word-of-mouth publicity.  This is gratifying to us since it shows we are providing a useful resource. 

Please let your colleagues know about PREPARE-ENRICH and tell them about our website (www.prepare-enrich.com.au). By clicking on the training link on the Administrators' homepage they can locate a workshop or find contact details for a Trainer in their area, and can read information about all the PREPARE materials and resources. 
  
ORIGINS OF CONFLICTED COUPLES - AN AUSTRALIAN STUDY  

The experience of family of origin is an important area for investigation among couples taking PREPARE.  Dr Alan Craddock (National Coordinator of PREPARE-ENRICH Australia and Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology, The University of Sydney) has recently completed a small booklet called Origins: Family Experiences of Premarital Couples. This booklet, written solely for PREPARE-ENRICH Administrators, is based on an analysis of 520 Australian couples who have taken PREPARE and has three main aims: 

1. To identify and explore the main differences between highly satisfied (vitalised) and more troubled (conflicted) premarital couples. 

2. To examine the differences in family background of vitalised versus conflicted premarital couples in the National sample.  Of major interest is any link between negative experiences within family of origin in the past (separateness, rigidity and exposure to abuse) and present difficulties in couple relationship. 

3. To explore the practical implications of these findings, particularly when working with conflicted premarital couples. General strategies for working with conflicted couples are also described. 

The cost is only $12 and this includes postage and GST. 
To order this booklet call (02) 9545 4566 or email us at info@prepare-enrich.com.au 
 
BEYOND RIVALRY - PSYCHOLOGY AND THEOLOGY AS COMPLEMENTS 
Written by Dr. Alan Craddock, this book describes and applies Psychology and Theology as complementary disciplines. This view is contrasted with four other viewpoints: Psychology as Foe, Psychology as Support, Psychology as a Partner in Integration and Psychology as Contaminant.  This view is illustrated and applied to three topics: 

Self-esteem and God’s grace 
The Role of Insight in Pastoral Counselling 
Leadership in the Church and Family.

If you wish to order a copy simply telephone (02) 9545 4566.  The cost is $24.95 (including GST and postage).  We will mail you a copy and invoice you accordingly. 

Editor: Dr. Alan Craddock, National Coordinator of Prepare-Enrich (Australia).