Hint of the Month - September 2002
 
 Love and Intimacy 

 Couples’ answers to many of the questions in the Prepare-Enrich inventories involve an expression of their concept of love.  In particular, the questions in the Marriage Expectations category of Prepare open up this very specifically.  For example, item 76 – “Nothing could cause me to question my love for my partner” and item 118 – “I expect the romantic love in our marriage to fade somewhat”. 

Many factors can be associated with the experience and expression of complex experiences of love. Robert Sternberg has suggested that there are three components that come together in various combinations to define different forms of love (in the Psychology of Love, edited by R. Sternberg and M. Barnes, 1988, Yale University Press).  These are: 
 

Commitment - This involves attachment to the partner (loyalty, faithfulness, attitudes and beliefs about the continuance of the relationship). It is largely cognitive – involving a mind-set – rather than being essentially passionate or emotional. 

Intimacy - This involves closeness and sharing – 

  • activities 
  • feelings (+ and -) 
  • self-disclosures 
  • emotional support 
  • trust 
  • sexually and physically 
  • needs for balancing togetherness with separateness/privacy
Passion – This involves emotional and physical arousal – wanting to and engaging in touching, kissing, being affectionate, and sexual intercourse.  It can develop quickly, be very intense but is unlikely to be sustained and can fade quickly. Not all forms of passion are associated with physical intimacy – there can be passion from being together in shared activities, interests and other forms of intimacy. 

According to Sternberg there are seven different forms of love defined by different combinations of the three components: 

  • Passion only – Infatuation 
  • Intimacy only – Liking 
  • Commitment only – Empty Love 
  • Passion and Intimacy – Romantic Love 
  • Commitment and Intimacy – Companionate Love 
  • Commitment and Passion – “Fatuous” Love (love without expressing real intimacy) 
  • Passion, Intimacy and Commitment – Consummate Love 
Perhaps we could encourage couples to think about what combination is currently operating in their relationship, why this might be so, and what form of love would be needed if a relationship is going to pass the test of time; or how the combination might change over time as a relationship develops and circumstances change.  Helping couples to acquire a more multi-faceted view of love is likely to be a helpful goal. 

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